You are ultra pathetic Chub.

What are you waiting for?

What are you expecting?

Any promises? Anyone remembers?

You did well. N then you let yourself down.

What for?

Come on.

Slap yourself.

Chub has to take better charge.
of her emotions.
of her well being.
of her life.

stop being swayed by anything, anyone.

Dont ask for it again Chub.
You know what you are in for. Recall, how did it feel? Why do u wish to go thru that again? Learn from past lessons Chub.

No point wrenching. Think Chub.

Objective reasoning
Objective reasoning
Objective reasoning
Objective reasoning
Objective reasoning
Objective reasoning
Objective reasoning
Objective reasoning.

TMD Chub, can you just calm down and think objectively!

But I did!

Not you didnt!

I did!

Not enough!

OK FINE!

Stop fuming.

Your loved ones. Remember???

When A doesn't bring about B.

You then need to be prepared.

To adjust.
To be ready.

I am utterly disguested over the news of a young couple taping their 2 year old son to the wall using industrial tape! All the vulgarities I can think off is so up there waiting to be spewed. PUI. It's worse when the couple consists of the mum and mum's boyfriend and it was the mum who held the boy to the wall with the boyfriend was doing the taping!

And they did it all for fun!

TMD. DISGUSTED.

I feel very strong emotions. The boy must be helpless.
I recalled the times when I was naughty and Ma will just drag me by the legs and hit haphazardly with the cane in the other hand. I just cant outrun or outstrength Ma. It was a sense of desperation. And I imagine the boy. Worse when this boy doesnt even know the definition of desperation.

ARGH.

AUSTRALIA 2010 - Perth.Melbourne.Tasmania

Meant to be another trip of discovery.
Of my Inner self.
Of what I want.
Of what the next stage of my life will be.
May be.

Again, nothing was planned. I only know my flights. The When In, When Out.
Woke up everyday not know what it might hold.
Going with the flow. Day in day out.

Many pleasant surprises. Immense satisfaction.

Chub is indeed blessed.
People who love her. People who did the brainwork for her.
Just so she could have the best holiday ever. Yet.

PERTH

Cousin stays in Canning Vale, near to the airport.
3rd house she's moved into. Best so far. Large double stories. Bright kitchen. Lovely porch and great garden. Lettuces. Spinach. Strawberries. And many others Cousin n Landlord planted (or attempted to plant)

We cooked for each other.

Cousin brought me everywhere.

To Swan Valley for the round-the-loop free wine tasting. That got both of us so intoxicated just at the very first stop! Shhhh.

To King's Park for the flowers. And our heart to heart Cousins' talk. I'm glad for this connection that we share. Everyone has relatives. not everyone connects to their relatives.

To Ciao Italia for her favourite Italian spicy mussels. The delicious pizza, huge-enough-to-feed-3-of-us pasta and of cos the wonderful time.

To her weekly Sunday Buddhist Congregation. Where I was introduced to everyone as the Biaojie. Where I was slightly enlightened.

To John Forrest National Park. Thanks to World Parks day that offered free entry to every park in Australia. The trekking was tiring but therapeutic. Though Chub did flinch a little at those weird coloured and unfamiliar little insects, letting her wild imagination of getting bitten and developing outoftheworld rashes run amok. Typical city-girl suspicious.

To Fremantle. to satisfy the tourist craving. Overrated, though South Beach was great fun shots of jumping on precariously perched rocks!

To and fro the airport. These were the most touching times for me. When Cousin dragged herself up in the wee hours of the morning to send me to airport, and then to pick me from airport.

Thank you Rachel.

MELBOURNE

Ever the city-girl, Chub finds Melbourne city extremely easy to adjust to and live in.

So much food. So many varieties.
Though so expensive too.

Throw a stone and you'll hit an Asian. Or maybe throw a small marble, though that may hurt more. Personal preference.

Hustle n Bustle of the city may have created some annoyance. But the company may have allayed that.

TASMANIA

This must be the turning point.

City-girl fell in love with Nature. With Wilderness. With Mountains. With Wallabies.

It was also the place she had the best oysters, wines, honey, cheese and salmon.
Or she may have been biased.

Hot chocolate reigned again. There were aplenty provided by the beautiful though man-made Freycinet Lodge and Cradle Mountain Chateau.

**********************************

Chub thinks she knows what possibly lies ahead.
At least for the short-term.

Chub Loves.
Again.

OZ OZ ooh lala...

PERTH.Swan Valley.King's Park.Ciao Italia.
TASMANIA.Hobart.Freycinet.Cradle Mountain.
MELBOURNE.Flinder.Great Ocean Road.12 (or 11) Apostles.

Wine.Cheese.Honey.

So much in awe.
So much I wanna write about.

When i'm back!

It's the Final Countdown.
It's weird.
Sorta indescribable.

Are the bonds getting stronger simply because I feel it stronger?
Or just because of the recent frequent outings?

Either way, how to countdown liddat???

As the time draws nearer, the sense of 'release' comes closer.
Chub's gonna be free! Actually, already very free now.

Chub's facing a dilemma.

She has this strong desire to leave the industry that has nurtured her since her career infancy.

However, there's excitement in this opportunity. She can picture what she will do, what she wanna do.
Unfinished work and unfulfilled dreams brought forward?

Shrug.

It's been barely 2 mths since THE Ppt. How much things changed!
Life's unpredictable.

U know u r going on a suay streak:

1. When U twisted ur foot without knowing and woke up w the pain.
2. when your twisted foot was mistaken as a fracture and u were obligated into buying an expensive show with a fancy name of an Aircast.
3. When that expensive shoe is only one legged.
4. when you have one of the smallest shoe size in the world.

You know your suay streak probably continued on for the fun of it:
5. When you sneeze and sprain your back.
6. When you eat a piece of unagi and the damn soft bone cuts into your gum.
7. When you overshot to Kallang when u intended to be Lavendar!

BUT, u perhaps know the suay streak's gonna end because..
What else more can happen??!!

Funny I have nothing much to blog about recently..

As the time approaches, it becomes more surreal.

T said he tot I'll outlast him.
He was 8. I'm in my 7th, yet to clear.

It seems I've prepared myself for this eons ago.
But can u ever be over prepared?

Happy Birthday Singapore!

Watching the NDP on TV this year gave the usual pride. Never before have I experienced any parade that doesn't induce tears. No matter how many complaints we have day to day for this little red dot, we know we still love her. Somehow, this is always home.

Just the other day, 933FM blasted a national song..PBS, Pumpkin and Chub sung out loud together in the car! How proud Chub remembered the lyrics!

Today gave more special meaning, because it's also Chub's Lunar Birthday! ;)

Happy Birthday Singapore.
And Chub! Muacks!

Chub is apprehensive and doubtful.

Of herself.

Shrug.

Chub is recovering fast.
Loving it!

Thank u to the one up there!
N ma n pa n everybody else!

At the Crest.

Pa n ma have been so sweet.

Not the candy sweet sweet.

Just the pa n ma sweet.

Chub Hearts.

Chub has to remind herself there's no such thing as being noble.
Nonononono. That's many nos. Numerous nos.

chub has been warned.
she needs to slap herself. Very hard.
Warned by chub, warned by cal.
Why doesn't she just get it?

Make the same mistake bear her own consequences.

Do not make the same mistake.
Do not.
Get out chub.

What is it that they say?

Irreconciliable differences.

Yes.
That's it.

Takes 2 hands to clap.

Solution?
Remove one hand.

On the way to work on a Saturday.
It has always been a love hate relationship.

Chub loves the tranquility at work on Saturdays.
Provided she gets past the grouchiness for waking up early on a weekend.

Then again, Chub doesn't really sleep in on weekends.
She'll wake up at 7ish..tells herself she mustnt miss Doraemon.
But ends up snoozing and missing Doraemon.

Chub hasn't had a restful week.
Lots of scenarios. Lots of words.
That few people.

Is this a compulsory phase? Can skip?
If not must apply leave is it?

Can she?

Chub prods Cal to think.

Pride doesn't get u anywhere.
Sharp words don't bring u far as well.

Cal must reflect more and think more.

What will I see 10 yrs down the road?

There when I'm up.
There when I'm down.

There to share my trivia
There to share my breaking news.

There again when I'm happy.
There again when I'm sad.

Walks me to office every morning,
And from office to home every evening.

I love u. U know who U r.

So it's certain.

Announcement's made.
Explanation's given.
Sharing's done.

Looking ahead.

It's been a year. Time flies.

Chub's wondering what she had expected a year ago?
Did she anticipate this?

Chub's been asked if she's sure.
Yes, so sure she feels liberated.

Chub loves.
Love Chub.

Chub wonders: Am I doing this correctly?

Cal says: Nvm. Just swallow it.

Change is the only constant in life, isn't it?

The point however, is how one can really percieve it as a constant? Total oxymoron.

It's a fresh week. Chub needs to remind herself to keep her spirits up. To spread it to those around her. To tingle their senses. To tint their glasses.

Chub wonders when she'll be able to payback all 2 weeks of sleep debt.

The journey ahead's gonna be tumultous.
This, perhaps adds on to the debt.

Nvm. Bring it on.

Distract Chub pls.

Some mistakes are forever remembered, and therefore never repeated.
Chub must know.

Chub's stubborn.
But Chub's a fast learner. Esp when it's learning not to repeat her mistakes.
Rem that Chub.

So minerals are discovered under Afghanistan.
What happens next?

Chub's heart cringes for the peeps.

What are the different stages in life?
How many will you meet? How many can you clear?

Does age matter?
Does experience?
Even the gender?
Or nationality?

Do u go for something out of your range? Whatever metrics you set the range by.
Ability. Skills set. Talent. Social norm?

Chub thinks that she'd like a simple life.
Then again, what's complicated?

Chub shall have dinner today.
She loves today. She is looking forward to tomorrow. :)

Today will be good. :)

The weight's so heavy.

Ma was describing how Cousin HH slipped in the toilet and got her foot stuck in the broken toilet. It was the old squat style. There were pieces of shattered porcelain with the sharp edges cutting into Cousin HH's flesh. The more she tried the pull her foot out, the more the toilet threatened to remove her ankle from her body.

Up til this point, I cldnt take it anymore n told Ma to stop her illustrious relation.

I chanced upon the Bhopal kid's picture in Time magazine last week. It was such a clear face my heary shuddered.

This morning as I was running thru the papers, there was the news on the Chinese school shootings. The young kids. My heart cringed badly.I cldnt carry on that report.

N the other Time report on the Times Square terrorist busted. I have no idea why they had to give a vivid 'what-if-the-blast-went-off-scenario'. 'Clothes melt into the skin such that victims appear naked'

Wah piang. Enough.

U know u r really getting on in years when u can just meet a new fren of the opposite gender for a 1 to 1 dinner without feeling awkward or worried there'll be nothing to say.

Like those ah pek in the park talking to everyone and anyone.

Is that good or bad?

Time says 52% of facebook users posted sensitive information online over the past year.

This is weird. How do u even qualify this statement?

Silly. Stupid. What's the diff?
10 years. 15. Where's the rift?

Nobi

Nobi is modelled after the cognitive development of a 9 month old. Nobi has 600 sensors installed within and his eyes are cameras while his ears as microphones to receive sounds within. This allows Nobi to respond and react to environment stimulants like a usual 9 month old at its peak of learning.

Nobi is a robot.

Chub thinks Nobi is scary.

The pentup was all for today n I cld feel the gushing out at the end of it.

Meeting bockie today was a perfect arrangement. Bockie's always able to allay any fears I have, rationalise any situation I face.

So 2nd opinion's suggested. But I'm afraid.

I thought, if you didn't get me down, ET wouldn't.
If ET didn't get me down, then this won't either.

Stages come n go. Get thru each n u'll go nearer to gold.

But I like pink.

Whatever. Jia you chub. U have grown up.

I tot I had the mgt capabilities. And the leadership flair.
Sometimes the clever ideas.

Only to realised I have been pretty ignorant all along.

No time chub. Learn fast.

I don't know why I thought of you today.

The stroll many years back, from my house to Bliss. The talk on the wedding, guest list, day games. U jested 8 years. Or so I assumed you joked.

No sour memories. it's appreciation setting in. Nostalgia too, perhaps.

If u live like ur time's limited, u actually find life has a lot of nooks n crany for you to squeeze things in. Unbelievable things. Things cloest to your heart..

We got Edutrust! It's a huge thing! It's a major thing! It's an ultrafantabulouslymegamongous thing!

Bcos of ET, I learnt how to get used to switching on office lights as you go to the toilet. N offing them as you walk back to your desk.

Having lunch became exceptions. Skipping dinnr became the norm. E fact that I didn't lose a single ounce of weight is however totally unreasonable and irrational though.

I discovered how malleable I became. How elastic I were. I can actually be stretched that much!

I got to see how City Hall at 12am, 1am, 330 and 430am looked like.

I have more white hair ( I assumed)
My legs grew stubbier (I presumed)
my hair grew longer (this one is true)

I know all the talk about the journey has just begun, but laoniang is just happy today! So let.me.be!

Sitting in the train with throbbing pains with the only thing to distract me - my trusted BB.

Chub needs to learn that work's not everything.
The world is.

It must be pms.

There are some phobia you never know you have, until it comes and you back off. Far far away.

It's not even 8 n I'm nearing home on the NEL!
I wonder if I'm dreaming.

Gawd. This period is really stressing me out.
Paranoia!

Dreams provide glimpses of the future at times.

Sometimes I experience 'what if' events in my dreams. The feelings I had were so vivid that I woke startled. But I appreciate those moments. They somehow help get me prepared mentally for the unarrived.

Have you ever?

the song rings in my head. Have u ever tot of the drastic? The extreme?

like for example, what if you just die like that in your sleep? What will u be regretting in your afterlife if there's one?

I tot of my family. Have I told them I love them? I always have. it may not be an explicit expression, but I know I've shown and akways show it in my actions.

How about my darlings? Not many so u know who u are. I love u guys.

My enemies? Hm. Double hm. Who? It aint war. How do u define enemy? Sounds too strong. Maybe just people whom I have conflicts with. People who hate me. Or people who loved but later stopped loving me. Whoever u are, I'd say I forgive u. I'll forget the conflict. I'll put behind the love and love that's gone. I have a short term memory.

My assets? Hm. Car can't be considered.
Definitely dora n family then. Who will I bequeath them to?
Hmm. Now that's a headache.

Sleepy. Good nite world.

Chub is happy today.
She brought ah ma for prawn mee breakfast.
She realises these small lil things count.

Sigu told chub ah ma remembered my promise to bring her today.
So did it.

Chub realises n strives to keep promises. Chub must rem when u treat pp w sincerity, people can feel it. No matter how small the act is. Really.

Today, chub's heart swelled considerably.
Tho she doesn't want it the literal way.

If i inspired it, it's a good deed done.

Now run!

Chub isnt very smart.
Or she's simply stubborn.

Anything takes 2 hands to clap. You know it. Chub knows it.

Dont, Chub. Dont.

It feels good to spend today at home. Though I still didn't reach my goal of waking up for doraemon this morning. It was a personal choice though. I did wake up at 925 but. Seeing that I have 5 more mins I decided to snooze. When I woke again at 945 I kinda decided since I missed half the show might as well try harder tm or next week. Hm. Personal choice, blame noone.

Speaking abt personal choices,I am caught in a dilemme. She says this and he says that. Then they confirmed this n that. Chub knows tho that ultimately, it's her own choice.

Like the mistake she made 8 yrs ago.
Tho she never knew it was one then.

I can just keep asking and talking abt it. But the decision still rests here. On chub's own small fleshy shoulder.

Becoming Uncles and Aunties

It is so surreal poring through the photos of people you don't contact much, on facebook. I start to realise that there is a certain trend to how people slowly turn into uncles and aunties..of cos myself included.

it makes u wonder how suave the uncle with the curly hair in front of you might have been in his younger days; how alluring the auntie with the big mole could have appeared quite some many years back.

Do they look back and reminisce about that chapter of their lives too?

What will I be thinking of on the same day 10 years later?

All Men Are Lousy, All Women Blind.

You.Are.A.Total.Bastard.
N.I.Am.A.Total.Idiot.

YOU have the right to be confused.
YOU have the right to feel tired.
YOU have the right to reconsider.
YOU have the right to like someone else.

but you DO NOT have the right to treat me like an idiot!

For months I cooked up excuses.
For months I covered up for you.
For months I held hope.
For months I waited.

and NO. YOU do not have have any sense of decency to end this off nicely.
NO, you do not even bother to end this!

Why didnt you let me go when I wanna?
I gave you the choice then. I opted out then.
I already said I'll let her win, WHOEVER she was then.

What happened to YOU?

Even if I'm short, with single eyelids, have stubby legs, a chubby face, i DO NOT deserve this.

U FUCKING BASTARD.

n today Chub took MC.

I relish the times at home.
Bobbing around. Doing nothing. Staring at nothing.

Though, Chub did read her Picoult. Her new book from MPH she bought last week.

Even typing this feels so relaxing.

Chub's looking forward to her break. woohoo.

Affirmative.

I hate business travels officially.
I wanna unpack before I finish packing.
I wanna turn back the moment I get on the cab.
I've developed a total dislike for Changi. When i know i'm on biz.

I am sure I wont feel this way for leisure travels tho.

Looking forward to Phuket. Can the one up there be so kind to arrange ET around it please?

Contemplating the Sept Europe trip to meet PLS there?
Or maybe a short trip to HK to catch up w AJO n finally visit Lankwaifong?
Tho i will really wish to return to US, once DD gets settled down in NYC. I think i will wanna visit North Carolina, Chapel Hill. ;)

muacks to myself. :D

it's been a long time!

It's a new year!

Woohoo!

Riz asked if I am trying to beat my own record.
No, I nvr had the intention.
I nvr knew I can be stretched that much at work.

An ex colleague passed away today.
Adds on to my heavy heart.

Coming home to a lights-out house, the pot of soup seems especially appealing. Thanks ma.

Chub woke ma up to ask if the big plate of vege was one of the dinner dishes. Ma jumped out of bed n busied herself fussing over Chub. @ half past midnite. Chub felt touched but guilty too. Tho it's The only Avenue.

Memory work

I used to be able to remember lyrics easily.
Now, I can't even recall songs' titles.

Hello Panda.

Do u remember?

When I was a kid, Ma always said that if someone taunts you, it shows that he still bothers about you. Otherwise he won't even bother interacting with you.

Chub remembers.
Tho, Chub does ponder what kind of person is she really?

Two diepnosophists, one yummy ayam penyet n a trusty Blackberry.

Chub is satisfied!

Since when..

Is having time for lunch a luxury
Having dinner after 10 a norm
Leaving at 8 a bonus
And rushing for the last train a target?

After all the hustle n bustle of the past few days, Chub's glad to stay in tonight.
Wanna read tt Time magazine. N catch up on the 3 issues of Reader's Digest.

I hate holidays.

There used to be a time when I thought This Is It. I am so gonna get married real soon, have my cute little babies and then watch doraemon together.

I probably did something evil. No, many things evil because each evil thing then accumulate into my current karma. Ignoring the beggars in Jakarta? Being rude to the taxi driver in Vietnam? Switching on the TVs in hotel rooms when i sleep? Wasting water? gawdamnit. Chub must have been evil even without realising it.

I hate festive periods now. ok i dun hate hate it but i hate it. I hate it for the memories i am forced to think of. Of the past 6 years. Wherever you are, I do not hate u. U may or not read this, but I am comfortable enough to say I still love u. Maybe not anymore as what it was like. But i do.

I still do not know why u ran away like that. Are u sick? Please tell us. no korean melodrama. I will cry myself to death in future if u are ever sick and i ever do get to know about it. So if u are, then pls die alone. ok fine, get those good frens whom u are still responding to to be with u. Yes i know who they are.

If u arent, please do not let me run into you. I am a pretty siao kia - pun absolutely intended for pretty - and i may feel the urge to call u every now and then. I might actually do. I did fine so far in restraining. If u really do not respond when I do, then pls rem to hide from me. Forever.

I am mad at the one up there. I know god is fair. U give me my height, so i can have my brains. I aint exactly smart, which explains why i aint THAT short too. It cld be worse.

but what did i do that u need to balance out my fortunes by taking him away? Yeah i had it good at work, but i worked hard. U can see that right. I was never complacent. I appreciate my own good fortunes and even tot I am such a lucky bitch. U read that blog entry too right??

I have a happy family even tho i am still disgruntled every now and then for the average equal lengths of bodies, esp for the 2 who gave me my life. and my average length body. But isnt everyone SUPPOSED to deserve a happy family?

I have wonderful friends. not too many. just those few i can count and name right away. is that a lot? i dont think so!

everyone one says things happen for a reason. I know i know i really know.
AND i f-ing really wanna know what that reason is.

tmd. i hate holidays.

The announcement's out.
It's a different ball game.

Chub has nvr felt this way.
But Chub has always been lucky. The one up there loves her pretty much.

With the new year approaching, the resolutions are manifesting.

To achieving them.
To everyone.:)

The terrible things u do when u are not tt sober.
Ok not exactly terrible but the feeling of silliness when u sudden sober up n realise u've beeen silly. Damn, Chub is one idiot man. Weird thing is she sobers up after an hour of sleep.
Sian. Chub knows all bk well n safe tho. N can only just laugh at herself for being silly. Haha.thanks to all!

Antiques

Chub stared at her prized possessions and realised they are all falling apart.
There isnt a single new piece added too since a few months ago.
Whatever happened to Chub's favourite hobby.

pick it up Chub.

爱上姜汁撞奶

The above is random. Alone at home and made myself this drink PLS bought back from HK.
It's delicious. I love it.

But the house is quiet.
Pa's driving.
Ma n Pumpkin's in Kukup.
PBS' at her DnD.
PLS' at her friend's house.

Chub is alone at home and the house is quiet.

Chub cannot stand the quietness. Chub is constantly looking for something to fill the quietness. Even when alone, Chub talks to herself. Of course not out loud. Chub is not a looney la. Chub just thinks and ask and answer herself.

Thinking whether to take the car and go gallivanting.
But Chub hates to drive.

And there's still Proposal R that Chub needs to clear. And she just cleared Proposal A where she's been at for the past few hours. Working on weekends, so pathetic huh.

Zombieland was depressing. I left the theatre feeling offbeat.

I know there was humour. Lots of it.
I can see the gore. It was everywhere.

But imagine living in a world where u can't move ard freely. Where u have to kill to survive. Where ur loved ones are bitten to death. Worse - when they turn into zombies.

The response towards BM's death was esp sick.

Ok I know this is just a cheap flick meant to entertain.
But I really wasn't entertained.

A US study finds that the cleaner your childhood environment was, the higher the probability of one catching more viruses in adulthood.

Hmm.

-snt that what Ah Ma always stressed when we were young?

They shld have just saved the trouble and ask Ah Ma.

Chub is very tired.

GET WELLLL

I just wish to get well very very fast. I hate coughing non stop. I hate sniffing. My nose was so rubbed and sore it's undergoing exfoliation. Painfulll. I wanna return properly to work. So Chub has been a very good girl staying at home for the past two days. Doc says the chance of me getting new bac from others is higher than me passing them on. I'm sick of sleeping in the living room. I wanna get well laaaaa

小狗爱

嘟女又一番心血来潮，想来个如老太婆的缠脚布一样的长篇大论。
但，惯性庸懒之心，突发性3分钟热度 - 是。障。碍。
加上不停地咳咳咳， 都快咳死了- 非。常。障。碍。

姑且，就让我轻描淡写，蜻蜓点水，轻轻松松地带过。

疑惑。开心。
压抑。兴奋。
不明。不了。总觉莫名其妙。
突然，一言惊醒梦中人。感谢嘟女夫。

现有的，嘟女珍惜，疼惜，怜惜。
就，跟着感觉走。

音。乐。响。起 。

Chub is back to work.
Woohoo.

stopthinkingstopthinkingstopthinking.

Holiday makes u feel like you've never felt before, think like you have not thought before.

And act out of your ordinary self.

This vacation is well-taken. 

And I will not have thought so if i hadnt bit the bullet and clicked on 'buy'. 

Alas, a vacation is a vacation. Chub needs to snap back to reality.

Come back Chub...

U.S.A

It's been more than a week since i'm here. NYC was merry-making. Boston is thought provoking. Helps tt I'm gonna be here for a few more days..

A lot of you may ask many whys. Why I didnt have any itinerary for the trip. Why I didnt even know where I'm gonna stay. Why I missed many a great tourist spots. Why I've chosen to stay in on a wonderful Saturday today.

Before I came, I've already convinced this is a trip about what I want to do. I walk when I wanna. I eat when I wanna. I sit when I wanna. I sleep when I wanna. 

There are too many plans in life that we do. We cant do without plans.

But there needs to be timeouts too. Some take the chocs. I take the real thing.

When you realised that for the most part of your essential years all that you've spent planning for equates to naught; when all that you think you are doing is for the greater good of the other is bullshit; when the person who mattered most didnt feel the same way about you apparently, then you need a break.

I had more hot chocolates this trip than water for the past 3 months. There were many occasions of sitting down in the cafe- Starbucks reign for the moment followed by Dunkin and Au Bon Pain - and reading my Time or Cecilia Ahern or just watching the world go by.

I wonder why the transition comes now. Is it a punishment or a test? 

Same line as whether the glass is half-full or half-empty.

It's almost rhetoric as noone can answer it quite as well as just being politically correct.

I am taking that pretty well now. I can look back. I can tell and retell without the urge to let my tears fall. It's just the closure. Either I'm not willing or I really dunno how.

Perceptions at work has changed too. There's a paradigm shift. I find myself struggling within to find it. what is it, i have no idea. I know i am happy in general. but what is the frigging it. 

Many hours spent pondering. walking, thinking. Sitting, thinking.

Walking around the Harvard campus yesterday did provide some well-intended inspiration. I feel motivated to return to school. but that is something that will not happen at least in '10. 

I digress.

Or did I?

Why?

It was 1-sided. It was forced.
At best, it was a pseudo conclusion.

Puzzle remains unsolved.

大家说

你说
他说
老板说
我说。

好。我听。我听。

Life's a Mockery.

When It arranged for me to catch This Is It on Thursday.

一视同仁未必为佳

宁愿自私，偏心。
总好过无声无息。

就这样了吗？

Life's Cruelty

A big fat slap.

Colleagues really cannot be friends.
what doesnt matter doesnt hurt.
Chub needs to practise what she preaches.

Chub needs to wake up a bit more and stop being so emotional.

Investment. Not Expenditure.

5 years.
6 years.

In the Company.
And in The Company.

Not all investments yield a profit.
But all provide an experience.
And a lesson to be learnt.

The Other Side

Felt left behind? How about leaving behind?
Felt wronged? How about being righted your wrong?
Felt depressed? How about letting yourself down?

You must have been pushed to the end too.
You must have gone thru ur struggles too.
You must have also thought of the millions what-ifs, perhaps, maybes too.

You must have felt lonely. You must have felt you were wronged.

Thankful that at sunset, Chub's still able to recognise and empathize.
That Chub is no longer 17.
That Chub is no longer just Chub.

Chub loved, loves and will continue to love.

Waiting

Whether something is worth going or waiting for depends on your own set of values and priorities.

I will go for Waipo's birthday dinner certainly, over going for yoga.
Nothing much to think about here basically.

Even when I know it may be too long a break, I think it's worth it. At least according to my value system now and then. And my feelings.

I'll do it.

A,B, C and D.
when will the real desired E finally come?

Biodata

I carry a new Espirit bag.
I sport a freshly permed hair.
I received my first Tag.
I got a skirt as a birthday present.

It's the absence of mundane information as such that strikes a chord.
Be glad that you still have access to mine..

Light

Vladivostok is serene.

It's 4pm Singapore time, but 7pm here.
The sun is setting.

Hotel Amursky Zaliv is located right beside Amur Bay - the same bay that Hotel Vladivostok was located from my last trip.

It must be a blessing in disguise that standard rooms are full in HV. AZ is even closer to the bay. You can see the water glistening.
And the mini theme park beside it.
With the Yacht dock by the side.

I do not know how to describe it better nor is my camera powerful enough to capture what I am looking at now.

I see an overcast sky full of clouds but with tiny openings where sun rays pore through touching the water surface. The mist in the air made clear lines of diffused light. Like there are flood lights attached in the sky shining down.

Close your eyes and imagine.

How beautiful...

Yes, I washed my face.

Chub was bathing and couldnt remember if she has washed her face. Chub reached out for the cleanser and that action triggered images of recall - of her pale short arms holding the plastic container. Chub has washed her face.

The above may be a negative side effect of Chub's intense effort to condition her brain cells to discard memories that shouldnt be there. To remember only things important to her.

Chub is puzzled though. As washing her face IS important.

Death Note

Bock and I had an impromptu discussion on our eulogies.

He said I must mention he was good in sports. He tried very hard to prove that to me since. So yes I am sorta convinced up til now la. Dunno bout eons later.

I told him to not forget to say that I was resilient.

I am.

The Kiss That Melts Chub's Heart

The Moments.

The ground shook and Silly Chub tot it was renovation.
Until everyone's left their seats with her remaining.
If the building collapsed then, Chub still has many things left to say and do.

*********************************
The last letter typed in and ready, only to get a forced distraction.
but the moment's past.
and the courage's gone.

I am delighted

because a very dear neurotic friend smsed to inform of her boyfriend's proposal with a balloon signboard that floated across her bedroom window.

Love ya. =)